Only way up

Sleeping

happytipsygypsy — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 09:39:04 +0000

At this hour.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I feel like if I were allowed to sleep, I would wake up only at 10:00 PM.

I swear that besides me being lazy, there is something in this place that makes me feel like this.

Yesterday, I spent a day all by myself.

It was fun. I bought a really cool sweater vest and a shirt. I can’t wait for the Pilot to see me in it. And Josie and Pitterpatter too. My fashion sense is suddenly improving! Josie says that it’s because I have Pilot in my life. *giggle* I don’t know if it’s true or not, but i like the way it sounds. A little bit.

BombayGirl sent me a text in between. Wait. I sent her a text telling her that I wouldn’t be able to meet her after her seminar in South Delhi. She replied saying that she had not gone. When I told her that I was floating around somewhere else, she asked ‘You Alone?’. Of course, she asked this so that she could suggest that she could come and meet me, but I was in no mood to spend any time with her. So truthfully I told her that I was on my own, doing my own thing. Good thing she got my hint and didn’t say anything else.

I don’t know what it is. I am sure that it’s because of the person she has become because she has not been working for the past so many months. The last time I had a talk with her, she admitted that part of the reason why there were huge strains in her relationship is that she’s not working.

I am not sure if the way I feel towards our friendship is because of only that. I remember that for a long time now, I’ve recognized that this is a forced friendship. I… she… she’s not my type of person. It’s nothing personal, though at times it was. When she was first in that relationship, they used to treat me like a necessary third wheel. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but that’s exactly what it was. I was always pulled into their outings just so that if they ever needed a change or someone to entertain them in between their day-night long date, I would be there.

Anyway. That is long gone. She is someone who is always, ALWAYS talking about herself. But she’ll always pretend that she’s not. And she acts in a very pretentious way. Is sometimes doing things only for the shock factor. Then admitting it because that’s ANOTHER SHOCK FACTOR. She’ll flirt coyly with guys and then when someone calls her on it, then she’ll turn all bitchy about the boy and pretend that she’s innocent. She’s all drama and she does her little acts pretending that she’s not acting but will pause and keep waiting till she gets her desired reaction from you.

For some time now, I act ignore all of this. I don’t give her the reactions. I’ve stopped making an effort to meet her.

Speaking of that, how is that that I am the ONLY friend she is left with now? And because of that, I feel so pressured all the time. Because her boyfriend is not here, I am the only one who’s left who will go out with her. I don’t know where all her other friends are! That’s simply ridiculous, don’t you think? And this is someone who always talks about how popular she is with everyone (especially guys).

Anyway.

I am really running low on inspiration.

I need to sleep.

Two more hours and then I can sleep in the car.

if it’s for self-defense, then it’s fine

happytipsygypsy — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:23:11 +0000

I am grumpy today.

And disappointed.

And sad.

You know what’s worse than grumpy?

Being grumpy + disappointed + sad. That’s what.

And I am that today.

I am sure you have guessed by now why. Pilot’s passport was supposed to be done yesterday. He was supposed to be on an evening flight yesterday. But he’s not.

The f***ing consulate people had called the visa agency people and told them that they should be expecting the passport yesterday.

I tell you, lazy ass Indians can’t do anything on time regardless of whether they are in India or elsewhere in the world! I am sure there are some exceptions to that rule, but more often than not, when something is the responsibility of an Indian govt. official? COUNT ON IT on not getting done on time.

I had such high hopes from today. And all of it has come crashing down.

I feel so much anger. Why must I always NEVER get what I want in the first go? WHY?

Why am I expected to just take everything in my stride and smile and always look for the silver lining?

It is so unfair. I am tired of being treated like this.

I read things that say magic will come to you only if you believe in it.

And you know what? I dare you to show me someone who believes in it more than I do. I really dare you. But all that believing goes to notch when all I get is shit.

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I am not kidding.

And it makes me cry.

I am not a huge fan of crying, let me tell you that.

You know what else I am not a fan of?

Being taken for granted.

Last night, Pilot got a huge treat from me. HUGE. Like GINORMOUS.

This morning, KNOWING VERY WELL HOW DEFLATED I MUST BE FEELING THAT HE”S NOT ON THAT PLANE, expecting an email is what? too much? No, right?!

Do I have one?

No.

I just don’t get it.

Why am I being treated like a fucking rag for so many fucking weeks?

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!!!!

And chatterbox is just being super, super irritating. I mean, I will SERIOUSLY KILL HIM if he doesn’t shut the fuck up.

Please, please, please…have pity on me and send him back

happytipsygypsy — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 09:39:32 +0000

Every. Single. Day. I wait … I hope, I hold my breath to receive that one email from him. Telling me that he’s coming home today. I’ve been waiting for such a long, loooooooong time now and every single day that I don’t get that email, it breaks my heart.

from here

I long to touch him, see him, kiss him at the airport. It’s like a favorite dream that I keep revisiting. When will it ever happen?

from here

Feeling the way I’m feeling, tomorrow seems a lifetime away.

from here

I don’t like to admit it, but I am just such a mess without you.

from here

I just…….*sigh* ……… miss you too much. This has dragged on for too long.

Just come back.

All I want

happytipsygypsy — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 08:19:29 +0000

For today, all I EVER want is for him to send me an email (or if you are feeling really generous towards me, then a call) screaming at the top of his voice that he got his passport and that he’s taking the flight in the evening and I will see him tomorrow night!

Really.

Please.

I AM BEGGING.

I want my Aslan

happytipsygypsy — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:06:59 +0000

Lucy tells Aslan: No one believed me.

Aslan: Why would you let it stop you from coming to me?

Why indeed?

Raw

happytipsygypsy — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:05:34 +0000

Ever since this mess started, I’ve tried a number of times to voice exactly what I think about it. I am sure the 10,000 posts on this blog and my other secret blog can attest to it. But yet, I didn’t feel satisfied with what my words were describing. It was like… something was missing. My words were not hitting bulls eye.

Till last evening.

On my way from work, my mind suddenly started talking in these words that made perfect sense and were relaying EXACTLY what I thought of this idiotic situation. Instead of keeping it in my brain (to be washed away in 15 minutes by another wave of thoughts), I did the sane thing and typed it on my phone.

This is what it is.

All this has a simple solution. Fix your time with your kids and make it legal.

And then she won’t be able to do anything.

NO threats.

If she wants to leave, fine. Even a child knows that the answer to a bully is to get higher help. Your brain just died or what? No more do this or else I’ll take the kids away; do that or I’ll take the kids away.

And you. You are just standing by and letting her play with your boys emotions? You are just as much to blame. The first thing that any one who is getting divorced does is to make sure that the kids are legally protected of the time they get with each parent. Whatever happened to the restraining order? Gone with the wind on her convenience, huh? Your kids saw cops come and ask you to leave. Do you think that it was a nice experience for them?

You say I won’t understand because I don’t have kids? It seems like I am the ONLY one who understand what needs to be done. Both of you are playing them to get what you want. This is why I don’t want to have kids. There are enough screwed up people who don’t deserve kids but are blessed with them. Your ex-wife is a perfect example. And instead of protecting your boys, you let her play with them. All because she can’t come to terms with the fact that the marriage that’s been over for years now is finally official. She doesn’t give a shit about what anyone else wants or feels. She’s perfectly happy making them the victim and you stand by and watch, hiding behind the shield of being a nice guy? The first thing you should do is to give them the security that no matter what happens, they will always have the two of you, even if separately. That no matter what happens, their time with either one of you will NOT be snatched away or threatened on the whims and fancies of the second one because this is all LEGALLY fixed and no matter how crazy any one gets, they will get their predeclared time with each one of you.

If you want to be even half the responsible father that you *think* you are, then this what you will do. And tell your fucking ex-wife to drop dead if she even as little as tries to interfere. Unless you want the boys to go through the rest of their lives living in the same fear as you’re living in right now. They’ll always wonder if we piss off her, she won’t let us see dad. And don’t say that she’s not capable of it. I’ve seen what she’s capable of in the past few weeks. She’ll be like “you want me to give you permission for that, first you need to tell your dad to drop that whore and come back to me”. And if you refuse, guess who they will hate? Oh I know what you’re thinking. That they’ll never think that. But they are young and impressionable. Do this a number of times and you’ll reach that stage.

So don’t tell me that I won’t understand because I don’t have kids. I have a life that has seen broken marriages, marriages that should have been broken but weren’t benefiting no one at all. I know you have 15 years on me, but I *have* seen some life too.

The Pilot got quite an earful from me last night. I told him, no more disappearing acts. I don’t care what you have to do, but I want to hear from you EVERY.SINGLE.F***ING.DAY. If she sends you to the hotel (sends … OMG am I the only one who’s finding this funny? What is she? His mother? Pilot, You’ve been a bad boy. Now GO TO YOUR ROOM!) then so be it. You go to the hotel and then you pick up the kids from school and you spend the rest of the day with them. I don’t care! Unless you think you can put your foot down and still be in the house? Of course, that will be the day that gnomes are 6″ tall.

In the end, I even had the guts to tell him straight out that I don’t see the MAN that I fell in love with. All I see is this little person who is scurrying around being afraid all the time. I know it was a little harsh, but hey, it’s the truth!

In visa news, the stupid consulate people want some additional documents from the DGCA. The moron that Pilot is (seriously for someone who is so intelligent most of the time, he at times acts in the most retarded ways!), he is just sitting on that email. I’m like what are you doing sitting on it? The situation is not going to resolve itself. FORWARD IT TO THE HR PEOPLE IN INDIA and they will take care of it. They need him so they will do everything to make sure that the document, whatever it is, reaches the consulate within hours. I mean if he would have done it on Wednesday itself, which is when he got the email, he would have saved a day and he would have been leaving Thursday evening. So he finally forwarded the email to India HR.

I just spoke with Too Nice and he said the same thing I told Pilot last night. It is their requirement that Pilot comes back as soon as possible so they will do this asap and get him back. SIMPLE! Such a moron man! I told Too Nice to call me back as soon as he is able to find something out. Hopefully all of this will be sorted out by end of day today. The visa will come through by end of day Friday his time (or earlier! who knows!) and he’ll be on the place Friday/Saturday evening and be here Saturday/Sunday night!

Word.

happytipsygypsy — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 06:36:17 +0000

I’m an easy person!

happytipsygypsy — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 03:40:23 +0000

Last night was the fourth night that I didn’t get to sleep my normal 8-hours.

I went to bed and I slept fitfully only to wake up in an hour or 1.5 hours, then run upstairs to check if I had any email from Pilot, come back disappointed, hurt, angry and a vacuum tummy like never before (every time I did this, the yardstick to measure vacuum tummy syndrome kept going up… it will eventually end when I finally have an ulcer in my stomach). This happens some four-fives times during the night.

I finally heard from him at 6:00 AM my time.

I wish I had something new to report, but alas I don’t.

Oh wait I do.

His visa is in trouble. They apparently need some more documentation that no ones knows about before they can process it. Well, who ever thought that Americans don’t have visa issues (looks in the mirror) was obviously wrong. One millon Americans, 5000 in India and only MY American had to have the visa issues. Classic! *I know I am being a bit over the top in the drama department, but please, I haven’t slept in four days, I haven’t being eating the way I should, chatterbox keeps giving me all his work, head honcho has now decided that I will be doing the work for three people, me, chatterbox AND THE TRAINER WHO IS NOT GOING TO JOIN THE COMPANY ANYMORE, I haven’t had alcohol in ages (those three cans of beer? DO.NOT.COUNT. think stress eating… do you ever remember how nice it tasted later on? NO!), I haven’t seen my friends in 5 days now… so cut me some slack, okay? Okay!*

Anyway. Moving on. This email also said what others in the past have.

She’s using the kids to make his stay in the house and hence close to her.
She said she will take the kids away to her dad’s house if he does not promise that he will not contact me.
She took Tuesday and Wednesday off and has been smothering him and following him like a shadow because she knows that the moment he gets a chance, he will contact me.
She knows that he will never go back to her, but she’s not willing to accept the truth and so keeps going back and forth with him, hence arguing with him all the time.

I don’t have kids so yes I think I can only understand so much of what he’s going through.

I don’t have kids so yes I think it’s easy for me to tell him to call her bluff and see what she does. I guess the idea of what if she really does take them away and he doesn’t get to see them in his last couple of days there does not freak me out the way it does him.

I don’t have kids so it’s easy for me to think *you’ve spent so much time with them already so it should be okay if you don’t get to spend the last 2-3 days, no? almost like, you’ve eaten pasta all this while so you must be pretty okay with no eating it for a while now.

The above are reasons # 45938, # 45939, and # 45940 why I will never have kids.

I think someone should intervene and try and figure out that if you will ever lose your marbles that you will think it’s okay to play with the emotions of your children to get what you want, then you should never be given the opportunity to give birth to kids, no?

In my reply to his email, I essentially told him

I have been understanding all this while. It’s time that he is.
He canNOT disappear anymore. No matter what she says.
If this is what it’s going to be, then I’d rather just end it here because no one is worth making my life a living hell the way it has been for the past two weeks.

(we’re obviously loving the bullets today, EH?)

He said he will call tonight because she WILL go to work and then he will be able to talk to me in peace on skype.

To give him credit, he said that once he’s back and she can’t use the kids anymore, he’s going to, and I quote, drop the bomb on her. I don’t know what that means, but I guess we’ll find out tonight. He’s also at his wit’s end and is considering that he’ll tell her to do whatfuckingever she wants, but he’s out of there. Obviously, this is as true as me telling you guys that I’m sick and tired of this situation and I’m ready to call it quits with Pilot.

Last week, I was still debating and sometimes feeling guilty about making all these demands, but now? he has fucked with me so much that even if I try, I can’t stop myself from wailing and putting my foot down.

At least one of us is capable of doing it.

I have to say though, reading his email put my mind on ease. Once the visa thing is sorted and he’s back (hopefully before the weekend starts), I won’t be standing by his side while he’s playing Mr. Nice Guy. Desperate situations? call for desperate measures. I am eagerly waiting for evening when we’ll get a chance to talk.

And to think that all I’ve ever, EVER asked of him is to keep me posted via email.

Restart my heart

happytipsygypsy — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:14:54 +0000

It feels like my heart has stopped beating because you’re not here.

Seriously

happytipsygypsy — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 09:23:11 +0000

Seriously. WHYYYYYYY?

For as long as I can remember, I am just getting the raw deal. Two rejected visa applications. Three bad relationships. Plethora of bad bosses and situations and jobs.

When I met Pilot, I thought *ahhh finally a nice breeze*.

Except that he too? has turned into this bloody sandthunderstorm.

Here’s a deal. If tonight I get to hear from him that he’s got his visa and passport and is getting on the plane at 5 PM today (his time), to reach me by 10/11 PM India time on October 29, I will eat my words. I haven’t really thought about the way I would go about doing it so if you have suggestions, I’m all ears!